Iran

Hey Iraq,

What's up? It's me, America. I'm sorry I didn't really plan anything for our five-year anniversary Wednesday. You know I was never good with dates, or making plans, or remembering anything, especially when it comes to your needs. I mean I could barely keep your family members straight, you know like your Shia/ Sunni thing? That was really confusing!  Wow, five years is a long time. You know, when I brought you democracy five years ago, I was really into you. In fact, I had had my eye on you for a long time. I was just waiting for some excuse to pursue you. So when that whole 9/11 thing happened, it seemed like the perfect ice-breaker. And I made a move.

But I think I was maybe into you for the wrong reasons. I've been doing a lot of processing lately. Remember how I used to tell you how badly I wanted to "invade you" and "liberate you" from that abusive dictator? Well I did. And after I freed you from Saddam, I ravished you; I ravished your oil fields, and I privatized your industries and and I drilled you long and hard until you didn't have any oil left to give me... and it was great.

On the eve of the election, I would like to remind the Democrats that you work for me. And for her. And for him. You work for the homeless and the gays and the farmers and the uninsured and the minorities and the innocent until proven guilty by something other than the Patriot Act.

I am voting Democrat straight down the line and none of you better let me down. I am going to watch you like a hawk and if you do not fufill your end of the deal, I am going to do all I can in my power to make sure you are severely reprimanded. After all, this is the only instance that I know of in which the employee makes more than the employer, so I feel that I should speak up when you do something I do not like, which happens quite frequently. For example, something like not standing up for health care for every American. You remember... the kind of issue you go on and on about right before the election, only to forget about after you are in office enjoying really decadent lunches that I think you might be charging to me. Why, with all that fatty food you enjoy, it is a good thing that you have such great health coverage!

So, I just thought I should clear all of this up in case you gain control of Congress, the governor's mansion, and the courts. And even if you do not become the majority, please do not be so submissive in your minority status, as you were during this latest outbreak of war. Perhaps if we bomb Iran, you can be a bit more vocal in your protests as you are chauffeured around town.