scripted soap opera blog
As the Patriot Acts: Episode 5
Rabid Fiction by Tara Parks
Episode 5: 16 ½ days After 9/11 and Who in DC Gives a Damn?
(Ann Coulter, dressed in fatigues, is lying on her belly looking through a pair of binoculars in the bushes off of Camp David.)
Ann: Come on…I know you’re bringing Oprah, you asshole grit eater. (Suddenly spots Oprah driving a motorcycle with Gail in the sidecar. Bill and Hillary follow on a Mercedes Benz scooter. All vehicles are designed to survive the rough Camp David terrain. Ahem.) Oh, yeeessss...(Suddenly there is a click by her ear and she freezes. Without looking up, she raises her hands in the air.) I am not a danger to the President! I love Ameri--- (Her body crumples as she is hit over the head with a gun.)
The Nuge: (Pauses to look at his catch):Yeah, well...I ain’t the President, Blondie. But I am gonna be Secretary of Defense, soon as I figure out why everyone left me behind without a FUCKIN’ INVI-TATION TO GO CAMPIN’ AT DAVID’S! FUCK YEAH! (He drags Ann through the leaves by her hair) I got a nice lil’ place for you, doll. (She mumbles) Oh, yeah in-DEED! Heard you talking ‘bout them grits. We’re gonna get you filled up, lil’ darlin'...
(Oprah marches into the Camp David kitchen. Hillary follows. Gail is not far behind, swatting Clinton’s hands away from her ass---Bill’s hands, that is.)
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