(Deep in the massive pantry of the Camp David kitchen, where we last saw our poor misbegotten assholes in Episode 5...well, they weren’t really inside of it; more like in front of it. But they had to go back in the pantry to move forward with the plot because Bill remembered that there was a can of Vienna Sausages in there and he wouldn’t start the scene until he ate them.)

Oprah: Has anyone seen Gail? I need her to run down to the gate and meet Steadman; Al Reynolds is driving him over here with Maya Angelou and Jesse Jackson. You know I can’t move forward without a poem and a prayer.

Hillary: We have more pressing problems at hand, Oprah. First, how do I look? Second, we have a Vice-President that wants to have a three way with the two of you. If that doesn’t signal that it’s Halloween, I don’t what does. All of this is getting in the way of the war.

Oprah: I thought you were against the war?

Hillary: Listen: I am not going to start speaking out against it now. I mean, there are things you stand for and things you look like you stand for. Condoleezza, what do you purpose we do? If what you say is true, that President Bush is indeed now a genius, well, I’ll sleep with my husband. (Bill chokes on the Vienna Sausage juice he is guzzling)

Condoleezza: Before we decide what to do about the President, we must take care of Dick. He seems to be suffering from some kind of ghostly delusion, probably brought on by the severe stress of being related to a lesbian while trying to maintain some decent respect for the gay bashing values of both of our parties. (They all turn to look at Dick Cheney who has been hog tied in the corner. His pillow globe---yes, the one he sits on when his hemorrhoids irritate him---is stuffed into his mouth.) I might have a place to put Dick so he is out of the public eye. There is a woman who has blackmailed me with certain information---nothing that is improper, of course; just something that I am deeply afraid would hurt the safety of the nation--- so that I will keep her aware of what is going on in the White House. She also feeds Dick information she has gathered over the years about people so she can keep tabs on his daughter. But for taking in Dick, she will want a cut of the money from any war or corporate scandal we manage to salvage from this fiasco. Plus, she will need some publicity. (All heads quickly turn to Oprah.)

Oprah: (sighs) OK, OK; whatever you need…except my magazine cover! I can’t give up that.

Condoleezza: But if we bring this woman in---

Donald: For my prostate’s sake! Everyone knows it’s Janet Reno and that she has a video of you lick-humpin’ a drag queen you thought was a woman. Get on with your explanation or we’ll be in a war with some other shithead---like Ramzan--- before you’re through. He’s friends with Mike Tyson, you know!

Hillary: Yes, we’ll either be fighting Ramzan or he’ll be assassinated by a zealot or eaten by one of his lions. So move it, honey! If what you say happened in Episode 4 really happened, then we have to stop the President from putting an end to the permanent Security Council, not listen to you refuse to use contractions.

Condoleezza: Fine! Bill and Don, pick up Dick. Follow me---we have a mission ahead of us!

(My imaginary camera fades to the bathroom, where Gail is sitting in a hot bath, eating strawberries. The Ghost of Aaron Burr rubs her feet as he entertains her with stories of when he was alive)

GAB: Yes, it always amazed me that Jefferson could be President; he had the mind of an unsophisticated ruffian, though I am sure he would have recognized the joys of conversing with you.

Gail: Oh, Aaron! I have the same thirst for expansion that you had; that same let’s-move-west-and-establish-our-own-country kind of drive that everyone so heartlessly condemned you for. Oprah has it, too, what with the magazine and her expanding production credits. She is my Hamilton to your…well, Burr.

Burr: Ah, yes, my dear. History is oversaturated with the unpleasantness of bickering duos, such as me and Hamilton, FDR and the Japanese- Americans, J. Edgar and his dressmaker. But really, how else is anything accomplished except for this survival of the fittest, which by the way, J. Edgar’s figure kept him out of winning in the end. But history does not always view its heroes favorably. For example, it always made me so angry that Hamilton got that stamp with his boyfriend and I am but a dueling footnote.

Gail: Yes, kind of like George Bush winning the Presidency when he didn’t deserve it.

Burr: Indeed! Only my money is on Bush in this. We need President Bush back to being that incredible imbecile he once was, so the evil doers on earth can maintain their share of the wealth.

Gail: Say...why do the heavens care so much about who gets what?

Burr: Imagine if you helped to build an empire and were now stuck listening to after dinner monologues by Dana Plato as a penance for your deeds on earth. Would you, too, not enjoy the folly of a good wager among your fellow governmental peers in the afterlife?

Gail: So when you die everyone just winds up in the same place?

Burr: My dear, the other night I had dinner with Hitler; he still insists on doing that short man arm gesture when he burps Milton Berle in between sets; listening to Milton’s jokes are his penance for World War II. But enough of the contrived explanations pulled from the author’s hindquarters! We must be proactive in our pursuit of greed! (Just as he begins to move, he freezes and places his hand over his heart.) Hark! They’ve taken Dick---quick! We must rescue him from the clutches of those who will do him harm!

Gail: How do you know this?

Burr: Dick and I are psychically connected by our adoration of guns. Take my hand and I will speed you away to this new disaster. (She stands up and they disappear.)

********************

(Laura Bush, Papa Bush, and Henry Kissinger are traveling by limo to Camp David.)

Papa Bush: Yep, so I sure am glad I called you from that bathroom stall a few episodes back, Henry. (to Laura) ‘Ole Kissinger always knows how to mentor George and to cover up all of this crazy brouhaha. He’ll know how to deal with all of this and also to take care of that Nugent fellow. He’s going to be a bad influence on you and the girls with his long hair and vulgar guitar strumming. I don’t care if he votes Republican or not, darnit.

Laura (remembering her encounter with The Nuge) Uh, yes… yes, Henry, you are the man for covers up. Anytime anything goes wrong, we can just blame it on this guy. (Laura reaches into her purse and pulls out a Halloween mask of Bill Clinton and puts it on; she and Papa Bush scream in laughter while Henry remains silent.)

Papa Bush: Here, the secret service agents will kill me for this, but what the hay! (He rolls down the window and Laura leans over him, waving at cars as they pass by on the busy well lit highway. A used car driven by a cameo of Bob Woodward slows down next to them and he flips them off, throwing a hardback copy of his new book which hits Kissinger right in his head, knocking him out cold. )

Papa Bush: Well…I guess his words do carry some weight! (He commands the Secret Service to pull over and gets out of the car.) You boys know that I am a decorated war hero. Well, we have a national hero here who has been injured in the war on terror; a man for whom money and this modern day Vietnam are the only object. Move over. I’m gonna make this ‘lil lady fly like I flew over the German skies in World War II.

Secret Service Agent: Uh….you fought in the Pacific, Sir.

Papa Bush: Whatever! More than half of America doesn’t even know where the Pacific is! Move over!

(Papa Bush peels out as gravel flies like bullets from the gunner in his head.)

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*Kim Jong iL is proud to bring you this episode of As The Patriot Acts: An Episodic Adventure in Americanism, which is one reason why our budget is so cheap. But we are happy to have this new emerging world contender as a corporate sponsor: Remember to use nuclear power!*

Thank you, Kim Jong iL, soon to be as big as Hiroshima!

********************

(In the dead of night, Condoleezza, Don, and a still unconscious Dick speed over the roads of the Catoctin Mountain Park at top rate speed, their black capes flying behind them in the numbing wind. Don, the gifted former Navy pilot, drives Oprah's sidecar motor with Condoleezza sitting behind him and Dick slumped over in the sidecar. Kim Jong iL so wanted me to have the Wicked Witch song from The Wizard of Oz playing here; it’s always been one of his favorites, as he feels a special affinity for those little flying monkeys because they wear the same size pants. Or at least they would if those little flying fuckers would put some pants on. I explained to Jongy Dongy---that’s what I call him now, “Jongy Dongy”--- that playing that song would be an almost bigger lawsuit than if I played something by Metallica, who resemble big flying leather pants clad monkeys with guitars. And lawyers. Anyway, Hillary and Bill are following on their puttering scooter. Oprah said, “Fuck this mountain shit” and had Al and Steadman fly her private jet in.)

Don: (yelling over the wind) I see a light up ahead…looks like headlights from a car but it is driving on the wrong side of the road…must be the Twins …hold on! (He swerves and the motorcycle spins out of control; Dick Cheney wakes up as the sidecar breaks free from the motorcycle and begins to roll down a hill. Just then, Aaron Burr appears with the still naked from her bath Gail and reaches down to pull him up out of the car just as it explodes. From what, I don’t know, but cars are always exploding as they go down hills on TV, so just go with it. The Clintons sputter by on their scooter, blowing the horn and laughing as they drive on toward Reno’s house.)

Don: (lifts head) Just like a Democrat… can’t lend a hand when you’re drown---(his head slams against the concrete.)

********************
(President Bush smokes a joint with Tony Blair under a moon lit sky.)

George: I sure am glad you came here to help out with the mess we made of Iraq. It means a great deal. We can move forward, Tony. I owe you one, bud---(stops suddenly and stands at full alert, listening. He begins to walk quickly toward a bicycle that is leaning against a tree. )

Tony:(rolling onto his back and pulling his pants up): Where are you going? I thought---

George: I sense trouble nearby. My new powers give me ESP if I am in close proximity to a catastrophe. We must move quickly. (He extends his hand, pulling Tony in front of him as he begins to peddle toward the smoke-filled scene of the accident. If I had that camera, I’d pull back here to show Oprah’s jet whizzing over them at an alarming rate of speed because Al and Steadman decided Camp David was “very last year”, so they sent Star to pick up her up instead. And it’s gonna be a bumpy ride ‘cause everyone knows that bitch’s radar ain’t workin’.)