Dear Elizabeth,

I know I am overstepping boundaries here, but Amy Benfer over at Salon.com's Broadsheet wrote Elizabeth Edwards: Divorce, finally? and it upset me so much I have the need to respond not to her but to you. You see ... I am not only the daughter of a serial philanderer but am also going through the very real separation anxieties that can only be normal after a marriage of 20 years has died.

When I read Amy's post I wanted to smack her. It really irritates me to no end to see women go after other women for not living up to the stereotypical faux-feminist bullshit of divorcing at the drop of a hat. These kids (and yes I calling Ms. Benfer a kid), don't know what it is to spend 20, 30 years of your life with the person you thought to be the love of your life.

These 20 and 30 somethings can't understand how difficult it is to just pick and leave the life that you've spent more than a lifetime building around the idea of an "Us" or an "Our Family". They don't understand the sacrifices that come with building not just a marriage or a family but a life with that other person we took for our soul mates. And they certainly don't have any idea how much more difficult it is when children are involved --even if many of them are children of divorces.

A lot of these kids only know what they're parents wanted them to know about their easy or messy divorces and have no conception whatsoever of the very real and material hardship people have to go through in order to sort out settlements, child support and the paths of a life without each other.

The circumstances of my impeding divorce are far different than yours. I take solace there were no third parties in the demise of my marriage and yet the pain ... the pain is still very real. Because I don't know about you, but I didn't get married thinking I'd ever divorce. What is it with people who don't get that? Is it a generational thing? It is a cultural thing? In my book there was never a "I'll get married and if doesn't work out I'll get divorced". What is it that makes people think divorce is as easy as changing PO Boxes?

I don't know where my life is going after all the impending legal drama of the coming months, but I actually happened to have witnessed recently some good and messy divorces --of women in our age groups. All I can say is that even though am scared, by what I've witnessed I have to remind myself there's light at the other end of the tunnel. And am really tired of being inside this tunnel, feeling lost and trapped.

I know it is not easy but I know it is not the end of the world and I wanted to share that with you. To let you know there's this "us out here" going through similar separation anxieties and that we're not judging you or looking down on you. We're rooting for you babe.

Which takes me to the other part of my letter: If I were to play a character in this story, I'd definitely be Kate.

My father was a serial cheater and he ended up not having one but three kids outside of my mother's marriage. My mother really didn't deserve it and it was her goodwill that actually made matters worse. He not only ended up leaving her, he left us in financial ruin. We were one of those statistics of single mothers with children shoved into poverty by divorce. I was the oldest and on my way to college which was a really effed up Catch-22.

My mother pleaded for me not to drop out of college. I was one of the first ones in my family to go and for her it was a "the terrorist will win" act of defiance keeping me in college. Yet I lived in poverty throughout those years even as I worked 30 hours a week to support myself and help my mother financially. I even was homeless during a brief time when I gave up my room (and paying rent) so that I could help my mother through her legal troubles.

Did it affect my relationship with my father? Hell yeah. Took me close to his death to forgive him. It was a horridly difficult time.

I also was extremely angry to my mother for many, many years. I felt I had been forced to be the anchor of my family from a very early age and all I wanted to be was a kid. My mother and father's kid. In the meantime, I was the parent most of the time. Not only mediating between them, but taking care of my siblings as well.

Anger issues? I haz them.

It's taken me years to come to peace with them. This blog has been an awesome outlet for that. It has taught me to be fearless, to stand up for what I believe even if it is unpopular. It's taught me I really don't want to be liked. Fuck popularity if it means selling out my principles. I want to be loved and respected.

Popular? No thanks. Inspiring? Fuck yeah.

For that matter, people will have to take the good and bad, the serious and silly, the outrageous and introspective. If they don't, then they can go on their way. I've no reason to beg people to stay.

Neither do you.

I can't tell you the amount of people who I know who either worked or consulted with you and John for his campaign who reported back to me to say, "Am doing it for her because she's the smart one". I can't tell you how many people would say, "If only it were her running for President". I don't name names and I certainly refrained from publishing anonymously these accounts because we had enoughe of a political quagmire during the primaries that I didn't want to throw more fuel to the fire.

Yet Elizabeth, I need you to know that a lot of us are waiting with bated breath for what you will be doing next. We know you can shine on your own because you already have. We know you can inspire us because you already have. We know we will stand in awe and respect your work and your ideas because you already have proven not only your worth but how indispensable you are to the political discourse in this country.

I mean ... shit ... we needed you during all this health care reform craziness. Not just you as in John and you but you, ELIZABETH EDWARDS.

So let me close this letter by saying this: Hang in there sister. I have been in the middle of messy divorces as the daughter-mediator. I am ending my marriage after 20 years of commitment. I wake up every day not just wondering how life will be after this is over. Every day I wonder if I will ever get lost in the eyes of another man and fall in love again at least once more before my time is up. Every single freaking day there's some anxiety or other and yet as much as I am scared I can't wait to see what's at the other end of this fucking tunnel.

So hang in there sister. I know it's not just me: There's a lot of other people rooting for you. We're rooting without judgment and without resentment because we love you and respect you.

Hang strong and take care.

Love,
liza