Some thoughts on marriage, stay-at-home mothers and homeschooling as a radical feminist act

I have been meaning to write this one for a while now, but it's not just my blogADD that has kept me away from this discussion. I just so get emotionally pissed off about this subject that it becomes unbearable to try to write everything that comes shooting by my brain. Yet Nance here point to a post by Amanda Marcotte that has pissed me off so royally that I have to respond to it.

In the comments Amanda insists that she allegedly has no problems with either stay at home mothers or homeschoolers; yet in her writing she betrays herself. When she opens up her post with and I quote, "This interview in Newsweek with Laura Derrick, the president of the National Home Educator’s Network, was even fluffier than I expected it would be when I opened the link", you know that her expectation was to see a piece excoriating the "different path" of homeschooling.

It goes downhill from there because she conflates her contempt for xian fundamentalists with homeschooling:

I didn’t expect the interviewer to hammer at Derrick about the issue of whether or not it’s wise for people to homeschool their kids if they are doing so with the intention of teaching them that Noah had a pet dinosaur or that Jesus founded America (and therefore feed them into upper echelon jobs in the Justice Department), but I figured it would at least come up. No luck, though.

In the next paragraph her cluelessness about homeschooling shows with flying color when she claims to know that homeschooling is gaining steam in the left. Ahh ... hmmm ... see ... no!

Homeschooling has never been an either/or proposition for people in the left or right. It has been always a proposition for radicals; especially radicals who have a strong libertarian political background. There's conservative libertarians, Christian libertarians and then people like me, who Chris Nolan has most famously described as Social/Progressive Libertarians.

The problem is that christian fundamentalist homeschoolers in this country have had a well funded public relations machine. That's it. That's all.

The HSDLA was the pet project of Michael Farris, one of the signers of the Manifesto for a Christian Church; which really should be read as a manifesto for a extremist American theocracy.

But you already suspected as much.

Michael Farris has had an uncanny ability to raise millions of dollars for legal, education and lobby projects. This is what I wrote about him back in 2005:

HSLDA was founded by Michael Farris who, to put it succintly, is the Ralph Reed of the Christian Reconstructionist/Dominionis education movement. Although Michael Farris claims he is but just a Baptist minister, he has signed the 1986 document that launched the dominionist movement, "A MANIFESTO : For The Christian Church". The document is a 'declaration and a convenant' in which the signators "believe America can be turned around and once again function as a Christian nation as it did in its earlier years" and outline why and how they're putting in place their call to action with wisdome such as article #13:

13. The Need for Confrontation: We affirm that in a life where there exists "the world, the flesh and the devil," there is need for living confrontation over matters of falsehood and unrighteousness in the Church and in the world. It is impossible for any group of people to live truly biblically obedient lives without applying to each other regular confrontation, exhortation, rebuke and church discipline. Church discipline must be an on-going part of any congregation that chooses truly to live according to the Bible.

This idea of confronting unrighteousness is fundamental to the dominionists' agenda for educating the next wave of christian leaders. Michael Farris left HSLDA to found Patrick Henry College to raise the Joshua generation and prepare them to take over the land.

Read the whole goddamn thing, because I outline how the HSDLA has spent millions across the country trying to write themselves into education and homeschooling legislation. They have the lawyers and lobyyists and the millions devoted to this single task.

Who do we have in the left?

{{ crickets }}}

{{ crickets }}}

Yeah.

I thought so.

What I find outrageouly frustrating with a lot of feminists who defend schooling is how they gloss over the fact that schools are the ultimate conditioning tools of the patriarchy. How can't some feminists see that?

Socialization, that most hated word by homeschoolers of all stripes, is a bio-power machine that is meant to condition children to subserviency. Christian Fundamentalists totally get it. In their belief system, schools are all about conditioning children into a life of liberal values that is meant to strip them of all subserviency to god. They get that schooling a bio-power machine of oppression.

Radicals on the left understand this too. Many people who decide to homeschool also decide to homebirth or at least have midwife assisted births. I know many homeschoolers who are atheists, who are ecological activists, anti-corporationists and feminists. Most are college educated but I know a growing number of uncollege parents. These people are highly educated individuals who have opted out of the economically oppressive college machine to educated themselves, start their own businesses or even take the apprenticeship route into the professions.

Sure you supposedly can't become a neurosurgeon this way; but I have known of more than one or another homeschooling child or parent's whose individual research has earned them a job at a lab that has then put them into a different path to medical school.

What about the myopic liberals of the left? Not so much.

Well, unfortunately, too many feminists have become so conditioned to believe Academia is the path to some sort of revolutionary change that they don't seem to get that the very structure of schooling (from childhood to adulthood) can also lead to a path to conformity with the patriarchal status quo.

And that the irony is that many women in these academic or intellectually powerful positions are in subservient positions to the patriarchy, even more so than a lot of their homeschooling feminist counterparts.

Let me explain.

Many marriages within homeschooling families function as enterprises where the husband is the main investor. If the family is patriarchy-centric, the man is presented as the boss or CEO of the family with the mother being the Administrative Executive Assistant. Yet, in many progressive families, the wealth brought in by the husband is seen as part of a partnership. An actual business partnership, not just an emotional one. Moreover, in a lot of these marriages the mother has a small business or a part-time job on the side. Especially in places like New York where the cost of living is so high it is almost impossible to live on one income.

This is an important distinction to make because there is a huge misconception about stay-at-home motherhood. The marriages that work understand that the woman, when she stays at home, produces a path to wealth and opportunity that is not immediately translated into cash. So these couples work out a salary for the wife, savings and a retirement plan as well. If the husband's income is not enough, then the income from the part-time job is used to cover these costs.

Make no bones about it, marriage within these terms is a business proposition. I know some people who worked it out as part of their pre-nuptial agreement. Others have come into it as everybody else, out of the realization that the "non cash" half of the partnership needs to have money allocated.

This partnership approach to marriage is anything but mainstream. On the contrary, the idea of many people is that domesticity is free of labor and hence there is no cost and/or value related to it. Yet, it's in the high profile divorce cases of CEOs like Jack Welch and Sumner Redstone, and especially Gary Wendt, where millions or even billions are at stake in the divorce settlement, that we can see the real capital and wealth generating value of a stay-at-home- mother and wife.

Lorna Wendt proved with her divorce settlement that most marriages are a 50/50 partnership even if the other 50% labor's is not directly bringing in cash. These high profile cases prove there is an indirect wealth that stay-at-home mothers and wives.

If more working stiffs on the lower end of the earning spectrum got into our little heads the enormity of this value, we'd be knocking down the doors of Capitol Hill and immediately demanding a Universal Health Care program, a Paid Leave Family Act and, especially, a complete toss-away of compulsory full-time schooling in favor of more mixed independent learning.

But no.

Americans have been so conditioned to think of our lives as completely devoid of any wealth that the concept of actually having the ability to create independent paths to wealth, to education, to political power, scares shitless a lot of people including many people in the so-called left.

I consider homeschooling a radical feminist act.

It's empowering to see your children as whole human beings who are on the path of self-awareness as opposed to unformed human blobs waiting to be given knowledge by people who see them as just a path to a paycheck.

In my perfect world, I would be able to send my kids only a few days to school. In my perfect world, I would be able to help them pick and choose what they wanted to do at school and ensure his teachers respect their choices on how they wanted to achieve their own educational goals.

But I don't live in a perfect world, nor in a perfect marriage. This year my kids are in school. To me this is a total abdication of what I believe a marriage should be but I am the feminist, the patriarchy at home is not and so I live with the political inconsistencies of my marital dysfunction.

Yet, I also have to live with the choices of my children. The little one likes it. The oldest not so. I kind of suspected this but I wasn't prepared for the outright hatred of my first born.

In homeschooling --or as I called it here, unschooling-- kids choose the path to their learning experiences outside of a curricula, school-centric framework. Everyday is a learning opportunity and every moment of your life is not a part of homework but a pebble on the path to one's life's work.

So this next year I may find myself being a schooling/unschooling mother; with one part of my heart inside the beast and the other half without.

We'll see.

I actually already have an idea of what I am going to give my kids to read. My 7 year-old and my 10 year old will be reading with me all summer on the Teenage Liberation Handbook.

I haven't thrown the towel yet.


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LynnS's picture

you've been holding out on me

You were telling me to write this when all the time you had it in your head yourself! You said it way better than I could have. Brava.

LynnS * The New Homemaker * Liza's Fairy Blogmother


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liza's picture

LOL!

And I am not done yet, but it's a good start. It just really irritates me to no end that we need to was time and energy in defending our choices.

No wonder 'choice' has become so easy a target when even our own feminists are so eager to shoot a woman's right to breed and choose how to raise her spawn!

Sticking out tongue

Liza is the founder and publisher of http://culturekitchen.com. You can find her personal rants and raves over at http://lizasabater.com


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NanceConfer's picture

Dearest Liza

Thank you for writing so eloquently about all the complicated realities so many of us deal with.

Yes, I'm a SAHM. Yes, I'm an unschooler. Yes, I'm a feminist. Yes, I am in a wonderful partnership with my DH, supporting each other through all the same trials that every other family experiences. Yes, I have been the sole support of our household. Yes, it makes more sense to do it this way now. Yes, it is our choice for personal as well as financial reasons.

The same people who want to point at our tiny homeschooling/unschooling fraction of the world and blame so much on us -- either the downfall of the public school system (as if we are the cause of all the problems that system is being crushed by) or the demise of feminism -- are the very ones I would expect to have a clue about individual and family-planning choices, respecting privacy and individual needs, the ones who I would hope would be able to have some sort of long-term vision beyond the next election, the ones who could look at a person's life and see that she may wear any and all hats at various times and not wearing them all at once does not make her a less valuable member of the left.

I have been disappointed with my Democrats in Congress lately and I am repeatedly disappointed by women and men who conflate feminism with a narrow lifestyle.

I am heartened by you, though! You may renew my faith in the left after all. Smiling

Nance


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liza's picture

Disappointed is putting it mildly

I am completely disgusted. If feminists can't get the kind of value and wealth stay-at-home mothers create, then who will?!?!

:soapbox:


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Echidne's picture

Something to Consider, Though

There is nothing wrong with choosing to stay-at-home and choosing to homeschool as an option. Where I would get worried over this as a feminist would be in a situation where most mothers would be expected to do that. Because it would mean pretty much that mothers with school-aged children would drop out of the labor force and over time there would be very few women seeking degrees in medicine or law because they'd never get the investment in tuition back, given the shorter working lives and the fact that knowledge gets outdated pretty fast if it is not used. And firms would expect women to drop out for like ten years so wouldn't promote many women. Even fewer than today.

Over time the scenario I paint would mean that there would be very few women in decision-making roles in general. Of course if fathers were equally likely to be the homeschooler this would not happen to the detriment of women. But I suspect the vast majority of homeschool teachers are women. So it is really about the division of labor within the families, as usually.


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NanceConfer's picture

Expected

That's part of the problem.

Others foisting their expectations onto my life.

Whether in the scenario you worry about or any other, other peoples' expectations about how I should live my life don't count.

I don't "expect" my son or my daughter to marry and have children and homeschool or none of the above.

I hope they will make these personal, private choices unburdened by my "expectations."

And if that has a lot of impact on corporate America -- or not -- so be it.

Life is too long and complicated and changeable to have such unreasonable constraints on each other.

Nance


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Echidne's picture

I think you mistook my point

I meant "expected" in the sense of statistical discrimination: firms not hiring or promoting women because, on average, women are more likely to leave the labor force. One of the main reasons why women earn less than men, on average, is the fact that women take more time out of labor force for the sake of children. Homeschooling prolongs the length of this time which would make the wage gap larger and the retirement benefits of women, on average, lower.

But I think I got this whole thread wrong. My original point, to talk to Liza, was to map out some of the possible negatives that are attached to homeschooling for women. These negatives don't mean that women shouldn't do that, just as the possible negatives of public schools don't necessarily mean that women shouldn't send their children to them. I wasn't addressing the question of the value of homeschooling at all.

So I will now withdraw myself.


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liza's picture

Yet, Echidne, here's the point you're missing

It is not the taking out the time that devalues wages. It's the socio-economic devaluation of motherhood/parenting that devalues wages.

The point I tried to make out of pointing to the CEO divorces is exactly about that. About how these women who took these millionaires to the cleaners did so because they proved how their domestic work was not devoid of value.

By emptying domestic labor of value you hence can devalue women's work out of the home ---because their single most 'natural' job is already worthless and everything else women do henceforth is a bad copy of all what men can achieve.

Serioulsy, I am trying to crudely apply the concept of alienated labor as it would pertain to domestic labor. When I threw Marx into the mix it is for a reason.

The semantics of alienation are too ingrained in this discussion of the value of women's work. What we here are trying to convey is that not until "women's work" aka, domestic work, is seen as valuable and worthy of health insurance, tax breaks, social security and full retirement benefits, all of women's labor will always be devalued.


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liza's picture

here's another way to see it

How much to homecare workers get paid? What about baby sitters and nannies?

And here's the clincher ... how much do you think you have to pay to get a more than good but competent and trustworthy homecare worker, baby sitter or nanny?

THAT'S the difference in labor-value we are talking about here when we talk about women being paid less because blahdeeblah.


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NanceConfer's picture

I hope not

I hope you don't withdraw yourself. It is important that we understand each other, imo.

I think our two "expecteds" are linked.

Liza says it one way, let me try another.

If the only way we define "success" is participation in the corporate world or political world at higher and higher levels of the various ladders, then we have defined a world that is alien to the way most people live and that automatically relegates most of what most of us do to the trashbin.

If we define "success" as getting the 12 years of schooling, then getting the degree, then getting the white-collar job, then getting the promotion, then getting the large house and the large car and then getting our kids into the better school for their 12 years of schooling. . . if that's all there is, why bother?

If the system is set up to bribe everyone every step of the way, and I mean that literally, if ultimately your incentive to do good is swamped by your incentive to stay in office once you "succeed" in playing the game well enough to get elected, if you end up so beholden to lobbyists and donors that you cannot make a simple vote to help your constituents. . . why struggle to reach the top of the political heap?

We need to look more closely at what we think "success" is and live our lives able to move in that direction.

If a better world with a different focus is what we define as "success," then we place less value how corporate America rewards women. We don't necessarily use that as our barometer of how we value ourselves. We choose the paths, and change as we like, that let us be in the world the way we want to be.

I think of an unschooling friend and her daughter. Her daughter has just started her career as some sort of forest ranger/fitness person (JJ, what is the name of Pam's daughter's job?). This girl will never get rich doing any of this. But she is the picture of success!

And being a stay-at-home Mom and homeschooling Mom can be a success story too.

I don't have the sort of income where a divorce is about settlements. I am not headed for a divorce. I don't have savings beyond the house, which we hope to have paid off soon. This is typical for our working class neighborhood. There are no set-asides for the stay-at-home wife. We are happy to pay the mortgage.

And I think we are succeeding. As a family and as individuals. We are attempting to allow our children the freedom to grow up to be proud of themselves even if they don't have the biggest bank account or the most political clout. These may be the standard measures for "success" but we reject much of what is standard including that narrow view.

I hope this is clearer. Probably not. . . but now I have to go walk with another unschooling Mom . . . we are attempting to be a bit more fit. Not to fit into size 2 anything or weigh a certain amount. Just to feel a bit better physically. Smiling

Nance


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