Yesterday a friend called to check how I was doing. During the course of the conversation she said something to the effect that people's reactions to the death of a child are greater because we project something or other on them. I was stunned at the unintentional callousness of the comment.

First, this was my niece we're talking about; the closest thing to a sister my kids had. Second, I love my sister-in-law. She's an astounding human being. As someone who has been a witness to her greatness through the years; it breaks my heart to know she will carry this sorrow for the rest of her life. It really truly is not fair.

Why doesn't a tree fall on fucking Dick Cheney or George Bush? Why Lydia? Why my SILs baby?

I politely ended the conversation one way or other with my friend. I know her for too many years to know she did not mean any harm with the comment. Yet it confirmed what I have felt for some years now : the love that comes with parenting is many times greater in order of magnitude than romantic love because it is not just a blood or family relationship between two people. It's the kind of love that builds worlds and universes.

People who are not parents can't understand how your life is completely changed from the moment you declare you're a parent. It's not just a declaration of commitment. It's a declaration of surrender. You have ceased to be the center of the universe and now your job is to make the universe a better place for that infant, child or teenager that is now your son or daughter.

And by *your* I don't mean a level of ownership either. NARAL, Planned Parenthood, NOW are framing parenting-rights laws as 'punishment laws'. Well, I call them like what they are : the new slavery laws. This kind of parenting claims ownership and complete control over their offspring. It's the mentality that says, "I can't buy me a slave so I will make me one". And that slave does not necessarily have to labor for this new master race. No. On the contrary. This parenting style calls for children to be commodities that enhance the social capital portfolio of the owning family.

I will be definitely coming back for more of that.

Liz and I physically and even culturally could not be two of the most mismatched people in the world. When it comes to motherhood, though, we share in a lot of the same values.

Mind you, she thought I was hard core for homeschooling. Thing is, I thought she was way hard-corer than me because she was happy to not go back to her job as a high-powered corporate attorney. She was truly content being involved in the community, doing all the volunteer work she does and devoting all her time to her only child. So, in the scheme of things, we basically come out to be equally devoted to motherhood. We just have different styles. Which is why we agreed so much on one thing : We see ourselves as clearing the way for our children to find their own not to lead it, not to define it but to let it be.

Kids have a mind of their own, even from the womb. The debate over abortion should have never hinged on whether a child is a child in the womb. The battle over abortion is one about the right of a woman to declare a fetus to be her child. Period. End of story.

A woman ought never to be forced to carry an embryo or fetus to term if she never declared it to be her child. Why? Parenting is about your childn't life becoming yours and not the other way around. It's about surrendering to a life that is not yours to own but yours to make possible.

Last time we where together Liz and I talked about how much we love being mommies and how there is a kind of guilt involved in that acknowledgement because we were not supposed to get JDs and (almost) PHDs to end up being moms. But we truly enjoy being moms.

My SIL surrendered. Her life was not hers anymore. It was her daughter's, her family's, her community's. Liz's life became larger because of her surrender to motherhood.

My SIL has had an incredible outpouring of love and support since the news got out. Liz spent many years building a community around her family and it's showing now. Family, friends, neighbors have rushed to their side. Teresa, another SIL, said to us the other day that she is just blown away by the love, support and kindness of people. It's just too overwhelming for them at the moment.

On the 5th we will be in Evanston, IL for the memorial service; but will be coming back the next day.

Lydia would have turned 7 on August 11th. For seven years they threw a block party and the whole community would join in. This 11th they are holding a candlelight vigil. We won't be able to stay for that but hundreds of people are expected to come out to show their love and support.

That's the Tao of Liz and Lydia.

That's the meaning of surrender.

That's true love.

Thanks everybody for all your kind words. As I wrote elsewhere, it's going to take me a long time to get over this. I really have never known grief like this.

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This post was called "Thanks. Gracias.", but when reposting at "The Tao of Motherhood. I like this title better.