My TAPopedia entry

As Paul notes, the good folks up at the Albany Project, Lipris and Brian Keeler, are soliciting input for their new Wiki project dedicated to the New York state government. So I thought I'd contribute, and what do I know better than republicans in all their beady-eyed foolishness? Just in case I missed something, here's the manuscript.

Republican Party

The state-level offshoot of the well-known national criminal enterprise, headquartered at this writing in a picturesque opium den in Schenectady.

History

Founded in 1879 by a then-newly discovered tribe of cannibals living in the sewers of Manhattan, the republican party is also known by the acronym GOP. It is little known that this stands not for 'Grand Old Party', or 'Gross Ogling Perverts' as has more recently been argued with regard to the Foley scandal, but is rather based on a guttural cry first heard upon the discovery of the original cannibalistic tribe; in their secret speech, to this day only taught to initiates beginning at the State Assembly level, 'gwagwa ogog Pffzzt' translates as 'Let's redistrict them and spend their money'.

More recently, the GOP has become known for its demonstrated hostility to precepts cherished by the non-cannibalistic majority of New Yorkers, such as democracy, freedom of speech, habeas corpus and Pastrami not made from human flesh. As a result, republicans lost all statewide races in the 2006 election, but managed, through sophisticated use of gerrymandering, knee-capping, and alien death rays, to maintain a slim majority in the state Senate.

Growth and development

To this day, there is some controversy over republican recruiting techniques among experts. One school of thought holds that they multiply by abducting children from public places into a secret lair, rumored to be hidden beneath the cavernous Lexington Avenue station on the green line. There, it is said, captives are fed live rat flesh and routinely savagely beaten with rolled-up copies of the Wall Street Journal. This is said to soften the captives up, making them more receptive to the secret doctrines of the republican party; said secret doctrines – escapees claim these are titled 'The Great Hoogwallah-Coulter' – were devised one drunken night in 1884 by a group of Columbia graduate students as part of a prank played on a visiting Lithuanian docent. They haven't been updated since.

Another school holds that the republican party refreshes itself through use of alien cloning techniques, said to be exercised in an ovoid, reputedly silverish 'pub pod' somewhere near Ticonderoga.

Members

Prominent New York republicans include Ann Coulter, Richard Nixon (rumored deceased), Randall Terry, Satan and probably that dude who shot the abortion doctor in Buffalo.

Finances

Funding for the republican party is provided through regular slave auctions in the Sultanate of Brunei and the sale of organs obtained from starving citizens of less-developed nations like Alabama. The republican party also owns and operates a number of high-end plastic surgery centers on the Upper East Side, operated conjointly with Fox "News", and originally dedicated to providing that channel with on-screen talent before becoming a profit center.

Where to find them

The prime habitat of members of the republican party – known as 'republicans' or, in their secret language, 'zzqrts' – is reputed to be in a horse farm near Albany. Little is known of this, however, due to the obscure and secret lives led by 'zzqrts'. This obscurity may be due to the social opprobrium meted out on the tribe; well-regarded etiquette manuals frown on republicanism, along with bedwetting, pyromania and most forms of genocide. In consequence, and with remarkable irony, New York republicans live lives in the same closet they'd love to shove gay people back into.

(Originally blogged on The Daily Gotham)

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