Bush resigns; Hillary ends campaign

In a move that left political Washington reeling, George Bush and Hillary Clinton held a joint press conference on the steps of the United States Capitol this morning to announce their respective retirements from Presidential politics.

In a joint statement read by an aide to the assembled national news media, the two premier exponents of dynastic politics announced:

OK, we get it. You're sick of us. And guess what? We're sick of us, too. Twenty years of doing this job between the Bushes and the Clintons, and you wouldn't be sick of it? And now, look where we are: we don't have a manufcaturing base left - no, thank you, NAFTA. We're stuck in a war we're losing, the budget's going belly-up, the rest of the world hates us, yadda yadda yadda. Bad news, people. Time for a fresh start. And yes, we do get that you're barely holding back the vomit considering another four years of business as usual, Washington insider consultants, canned sound bites and focus groups. Hey, we don't like that, and it's what we do. Do you really think we enjoy coming up with these goddamned soundbites all day every day? You ever done a focus group? It ain't as much fun as smoking pot on the beach, people.

The now-former President added extemporaneously:

Look, y'all's don't realize what a complete pain it is for our families that we have this so-called monopoly on the Presidency. No member of my family can even walk down the street to grab a frigging bagel without having some random psycho run up and and breathlessly tell them they've formed an exploratory committee for them. You tell me if that's how you'd want to live your life.

New York's junior Senator concurred:

Yeah, listen up, you fuckers. You there, yes, the backstabbing asswipe from the New York Times. Yeah, don't look so offended, you piece of crap. Do you think I enjoy your articles on the state of my marriage? Well, do you, assmunch? Newsflash: you can just shut the fuck up and go home, because this gravy train for you is over. Hear me? O-vah!

The former President and the New York Senator left the Capitol to fly to their respective residences; Mr. Bush will make a stop in Texas to pack a suitcase before taking a vacation of indeterminate length in Paraguay. Unconfirmd reports had Mrs. Clinton swearing up a blue streak at the Washington airport Duty-Free shop; aides commented that the Senator finally feels liberated to, "and you can quote me on this, not give a flying fuck what any of you people think. Did you write that down? Good.".

The ensuing constitutional crisis is being dealt with by members of the Vice President's legal staff and the Office of the Speaker of the House. President Pelosi will address the nation this evening from the Oval Office to explain the sudden resignation of the Vice President, who is currently rumored to be seeking asylum in Cuba. Further information on the status of Senator Lieberman, last seen sobbing and apparently drunk, curled up in the fetal position on the floor of the Capitol Rotunda, is presently unavailable.

Stay tuned.

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