Don't you wish all history lessons were like an Eddie Izzard standup bit? Because that's the genius of his act. There's nothing too far off the historical record in anything he says. It's just the way he puts it that's hilarious. And the fact he can make people laugh about Hitler, Lenin and Pol Pot all the while declaring us accomplices to their atrocities ... well, that's something beyond genius.

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Empires
Yes, so this is all true. And so, yes. Soin Europe, we had empires. Everyone had them - France and Spain and Britain and Turkey! The Ottoman Empire, full of furniture for some reason. And the Austro-Hungarian Empire, famous for fuck all! Yes, all they did was slowly collapse like a flan in a cupboard.

And the German empire, very organized, they’d always build an empire, “ein, zwei, ein, zwei, “build an empire, very Prussian, and then they'd celebrate with a World War! And then lose the whole fucking empire by the end of the war. In the 30s, Hitler, Czechoslovakia, Poland, France, World War II... the Russian front, not a good idea...! Hitler never played “Risk” when he was a kid...! ‘Cause, you know, playing “Risk,” you could never hold on to Asia. That Asian-Eastern European area, you could never hold it, could you? Seven extra men at the beginning of every go, but you couldn't fucking hold it! Australasia, that was the one! Australasia, all the purple ones! Get everyone on Papua New Guinea and just build up and build up...

And Hitler ended up in a ditch, covered in petrol, on fire, so, that's fun! I think that's funny, ‘cause he was a mass-murdering fuckhead. And that was his honeymoon as well! Double trouble!

"Eva, let's marry."

"Where should our honeymoon be?"

"Well, in a ditch, covered in petrol, on fire. I've already arranged it upstairs."

"Oh, how romantic, Adolf."

"Yes, I thought!"

Fun! What a bastard! And he was a vegetarian, and a painter, so he must have been going, "I can't get the fucking trees… Damn! I will kill everyone in the world!"

And he was a mass-murdering fuckhead, as many important historians have said. But there were other mass murderers that got away with it! Stalin killed many millions, died in his bed, well done there; Pol Pot killed 1.7 million Cambodians, died under house arrest at age 72, well done indeed! And the reason we let them get away with it is because they killed their own people, and we're sort of fine with that. “Ah, help yourself,” you know? “We've been trying to kill you for ages!” So kill your own people, right on there. Seems to be… Hitler killed people next door... “Oh… stupid man!” After a couple of years, we won't stand for that, will we?

Pol Pot killed 1.7 million people. We can't even deal with that! You know, we think if somebody kills someone, that's murder, you go to prison. You kill 10 people, you go to Texas, they hit you with a brick, that's what they do. 20 people, you go to a hospital, they look through a small window at you forever. And over that, we can't deal with it, you know? Someone's killed 100,000 people. We're almost going, "Well done! You killed 100,000 people? You must get up very early in the morning. I can't even get down the gym! Your diary must look odd: “Get up in the morning, death, death, death, death, death, death, death – lunch- death, death, death -afternoon tea - death, death, death - quick shower…"
So I suppose we're glad that Pol Pot's under house arrest… you know, 1.7 million people. At least he - we know where he is - under house arrest! Just don't go in that fucking house, you know? I know a lot of people who'd love to be under house arrest! They bring you your food… "Just stay here? Oh, all right. (singing laconically ) Have you got any videos?" You know, you just sit there all day... And Pol Pot was a history teacher. And Hitler was a vegetarian painter. So... mass-murderers come from the areas you least expect it. I don't know how the flip comes over, but it happens.

So, yeah. There was a lot of that, and we built up empires - we stole countries! That's what you do,that's how you build an empire. We stole countries with the cunning use of flags! Yeah, just sail around the world and stick a flag in.

"I claim India for Britain!"

They go, "You can't claim us, we live here! 500 million of us!"

"Do you have a flag?"

"We don't need a bloody flag! It's our country, you bastards!"

"No flag, no country, you can't have one! That's the rules that I've just made up, and I'm backing it up with this gun that was lent from the National Rifle Association."

That was it, you know?

Royal Genetics
And Queen Victoria became Empress of India. She never even fucking went there, you know?

She was one of our more frumpy queens… they're all frumpy, aren't they? Because it's a bad idea when cousins marry! Bottom of the gene pool, you know. You'rejust scraping the barrel there, “We've haven't got enough for any more of you royals there, sorry.” First rule of genetics: spread the genes apart! But the royals are just obsessed with, "Are you a royal family? Are you a royal member? Well, then you can marry me ‘cause you're same gene pool, and our IQs will go down the toilet.” Fantastic! That's why there's no crazy royals, they're all kind of, "Hello! Hello, what do you do? You're a plumber! What on Earth is that?"
So yeah. And after World War II, all the empires sort of dissolved. And we didn't - we came first inWorld War II, but we were financially fucked by the end, ‘cause there was a period of time where it was just us and the Nazis, and they'd been making weapons for ages! They had a head start! We were going, "Get the tanks out! Get the… we haven't got any tanks? Then get that ice cream van out there! Get it out there! Kill! All right,fuck it. ( mimes making ice cones and throwing them ) Fuck off! Everything! Just throw everything at them! Just… that's not… harder! Orange fruities! And Zooms! Throw the Zooms! Fuck off, you bastards! Pots and pans! Get pots… just throw the pots and pans at them!"

So by the time America came in - ‘cause you were watching a U.S. cavalry film, ‘cause the U.S. cavalry always comes in right just towards the end of the film - ( sings charge melody ) "Ok, let's go America!" ( charge melody ) "I love the smell of Europe in the morning! So, how're you doing?", we were going, "Fucking ‘ell, where've you been?" "Ah, having breakfast. So, what's going on, hey?"

So, America did well, Russia did well, and deservedly so, because half a million American soldiers died, half a million British soldiers died, and about 26 million Russian soldiers died. Soldiers and civilians, and that's just 50 times as many. It's just un-fucking-believable, you know, and no one mentions it! These are just figures I discovered. That's why they put up…’cause, I mean, Napoleon had been steaming in there 100 years before: "I'm going to kill them, I'm going to kill them, going to… Oh, it's a bit cold, it's a bit cold. Right! Ok, ok, bad idea." And then Hitler, "I've got a better idea, got a better idea… Oh, it's the same idea! It's the same idea, it's the same idea..." So no wonder they set up the Eastern Bloc! They wanted a buffer zone. It wasn't fair, but that's what they did. So that's where they're coming from.

And about 20 million Nazi Germans died, but they did start it, they did start that one. And, yeah, so it was that,and France hated them all ‘cause Southern France was collaborating with the Germans, embarrassing! So since then, they've been kind of spiky and kind of, French... I'm very positive on the French, my family way back was French, so I go with it, but they are kind of, well, fucking French at times...

"All of Europe, you must do this!"

"Well… we're not gonna! We're gonna have a sandwich."

And Germany and Japan, they do seem to have a natural instinct in a very generalized way for organization and being military, but,you know, there's a very strong Green Party there now, kids with beards, it's getting okay, and I just think Japan and Germany should be the peacekeepers of the world. They should be parachuted in; whenever something breaks out, parachute Germans and Japanese in. They’ll go, "Look, we've done this before, we've done the killing. Hello! Take it from us, just chill out!" And then, they’d organize peace really quickly. "All right, peace, peace, peace, peace is organized!” It could be brilliant if they could do that. That's their destiny, man! Yeah.

Italy invented fascism in 1922. Mussolini said, "Right, we're all fascists!" but most Italian people are always on scooters going, "Ciao!" And they're into football, and life, and they're not fascists, you know? He said, "We're all fascists!" "All right, ciao!" No helmet on… ( imitates scooter running ) All those 50s films, like “Roman Holiday,” it's just like that! Everyone's just cool and hangs out.

Strategic Sheep (portion)
So after World War II, the whole world was going,

"Come on, Europe, give these countries back. Come on, we just had a bloody war; let's give 'em back. Britain?"

"Wha'?"

"What's that behind your back?"

"Oh, it's India and a number of other countries."

"Give 'em back."

"Oh, all right. There's that one there, and there's that one…”

“Falkland Islands?”

“Oh, we need the Falkland Islands... for strategic sheep purposes!"