norbizness's blog

Hey, non-Presidential dickweed! I said SHUT UP!

Every once in a while, rather than actually watch a Presidential press conference, I simply read the transcript and morph it for my own entertainment purposes. Observe:

THE PRESIDENT: Earlier today, my staff met with congressional leaders about the resignations of U.S. attorneys (points towards audience). You all know Sergeant Slaughter, Evel Knievel, and Gary Sinise playing Harry S Truman. They're a kickass staff. As you know, I have broad discretion to replace political appointees throughout the government, including U.S. attorneys who displease me greatly by not prosecuting websites who feature red carpet side-boob pictures of Hollywood starlets.

The Justice Department, with the approval of the White House, believed new leadership in these positions would better serve our country in harassing Democratic lawmakers and bong merchants. The announcement of this decision and the subsequent explanation of these changes has been confusing and, frankly, I'm not likely to be any help.

Today I'm also announcing the following steps my administration is taking to correct the record and demonstrate our willingness to work with the Congress: lying, obfuscation, bullying, arm-twisting, massive dumps of unresponsive documents, throwing tantrums, hiring $750-an-hour uberlawyers to drag this tired executive privilege claim out, and late-night prank calls.

Everybody's favorite opium-soaked red-headed stepchild.

President Bush, 6/19/03: We sent a clear message to the Taliban in Afghanistan: if you harbor and train terrorists, you will be held account. The Taliban is no more, and the people of Afghanistan are free, thanks to America and our friends and allies.

Reality, 2/27/07: A suicide bomber killed 19 people and wounded 11 outside the main U.S. military base in Afghanistan on Tuesday during a visit by Vice President Dick Cheney, officials said. The Taliban claimed responsibility and said Cheney was the target.

There's more recent Afghani history in my archives here and a harrowing first-person account of the nearly impossible counterinsurgency here. Afghanistan is but a poor fading star of multinational neglect when compared to the supernova of Iraqi failure, but still a glaring reminder of our war on terror half-assery. I guess we could try and get Pakistan to help out, what after (a) its top scientist sold nuclear secrets to every rogue state in the rogue state yellow pages (b) its intelligence service helped to birth the Taliban (c) it signed truces allowing for a regrouped Taliban safe haven,

"You are such a disappointing Left! I prayed so hard for you!"

I'll stop writing posts like this when I stop getting lectured for something I or my fellow travelers aren't doing. From now on, you can call it "the angry, apathetic agnostic reacts negatively to another Jesused-up Beltway insider who are whining for no particular reason because some unnamed people were mean to (a) their sacred beliefs and (b) their attempt to inject their sacred beliefs into the political realm for no good apparent reason." In fact, you can pretty much read everything I'm going to say here with this post.

First of all, there's the title for the group blog: God's Politics. This, of course, is about as meaningful to a fictitious omnipotent Sky Fairy as "God's Preferred Second Division Welsh Football Team," "God's Favorite Pizza Topping," or "God's Favorite Third World Child Who Will Die In Poverty." However, I have nothing against the content itself: exhorting people of faith to catch the new Michael Apted movie about the ending of the slave trade in England, encouraging people to donate their time in a still-devastated New Orleans, explaining the importance of Lent using a bunch of nonsense terminology. It's all good. If a nun is at an anti-war or anti-death penalty protest, what do I care? If somebody finds an obscure passage in Thessalonians concerning progressive income taxation, fantastic. You see, I'm inclusive by my very nature, even of metaphysical gibberish.

What better way to introduce myself to the front page than with phunny photo captions I posted yesterday at my own place? I've gotten my advanced degree in captionology from DeVry Institute, but if you want to try your hand at it, feel free in the comments (clicking the thumbnail for a larger picture can help to provide context).

1. What the UK really needs is a Prime Minister who goes to 11 (contributed by Tom).

2. When Dennis Hastert bellows for his breakfast, the House cooks are thrown into a collective panic.

3. Bill finds it's nearly impossible to referee a coke-snorting contest.

4. For the last time, Farouk, the Seventh Dynasty did not foretell the recent Britney Spears weirdness.