Presidential Re-Mix

Hey, non-Presidential dickweed! I said SHUT UP!

Every once in a while, rather than actually watch a Presidential press conference, I simply read the transcript and morph it for my own entertainment purposes. Observe:

THE PRESIDENT: Earlier today, my staff met with congressional leaders about the resignations of U.S. attorneys (points towards audience). You all know Sergeant Slaughter, Evel Knievel, and Gary Sinise playing Harry S Truman. They're a kickass staff. As you know, I have broad discretion to replace political appointees throughout the government, including U.S. attorneys who displease me greatly by not prosecuting websites who feature red carpet side-boob pictures of Hollywood starlets.

The Justice Department, with the approval of the White House, believed new leadership in these positions would better serve our country in harassing Democratic lawmakers and bong merchants. The announcement of this decision and the subsequent explanation of these changes has been confusing and, frankly, I'm not likely to be any help.

Today I'm also announcing the following steps my administration is taking to correct the record and demonstrate our willingness to work with the Congress: lying, obfuscation, bullying, arm-twisting, massive dumps of unresponsive documents, throwing tantrums, hiring $750-an-hour uberlawyers to drag this tired executive privilege claim out, and late-night prank calls.

In the last 24 hours, the Justice Department has provided the Congress with 115 flaming bags of dog-poo, several letter bombs, Alberto's entire collection of Ranger Rick magazines, chain e-mails with jokes about blonds and queers, and precisely two buried pages of relevant internal documents.

I recognize there is significant interest in the role the White House played in the unceremonious, shameful resignations of these turncoat U.S. attorneys. Access to White House staff is always a sensitive issue, especially when Karl is in one of his "moods." The President relies upon his staff to wipe his ass, pro-nounce words with lots of syll-a-bulls, air-dust his various gaming systems, and to provide entertainment in the form of human hunts... what we call "The Most Dangerous Game."

Yet, in this case, I recognize the importance of members of Congress understanding how this massive cock-up happened. I look at their bright, innocent, pleading eyes, and almost feel obligated to help them. So tell you what I'm gonna do: we will allow them, in our omnibenevolence, to interview key members of my staff to ascertain relevant facts. In addition to this offer, we will give them a gift certificate for a free Hickory Farms Smoky Sampler gift basket.

The initial response by Democrats, unfortunately, shows that some appear interested in finding out exactly what happened, and that is troubling. I am a uniter of precisely 3 out of 10 Americans, and I will not allow this to turn into some sort of witch... or even worse, warlock-hunt. In short, y'all can kiss my black ass with that subpoena mess.

So let's not quibble about who (pronounced "oo") fired who under what false pretenses for the benefit of which campaign contributor. It is common for me, members of my staff, and the Justice Department to receive complaints from members of Congress in both parties, and from other citizens. Those complainers without money and access are put in the "nut" file. Those with fat wallets are given the royal treatment.

I also want to say something to the U.S. attorneys who reside (not altered; I don't know what he means). I appreciate your service to the country. Y'all fancypants motherfuckers with your hifalutin' law degrees. And while I strongly support the Attorney General's decision and am confident he acted appropriately, I regret these resignations turned into something that will probably lead to his being axed with extreme prejudice in about 48 hours.

Thank you for your time. Now I'll answer a couple of questions. Deb.

Q Mr. President, are you still completely convinced that the administration did not exert any political pressure in the firing of these attorneys?

THE PRESIDENT: Deb, what a question to ask! I mean, really!

Q Sir, are you convinced, personally?

THE PRESIDENT: There's no indication whatsoever, after reviews by the White House staff, that anybody did anything improper. And that's the end of that, obviously!

Q If today's offer from Mr. Fielding is your best and final offer on this, are you going to go to the mat in protecting the principle that you talked about? And why not, since you say nothing wrong was done by your staff, why not just clear the air and let Karl Rove and other senior aides testify in public, under oath? There's been a precedent for previous administrations doing that.

THE PRESIDENT: Some have, some haven't. Que sera sera. Tough titty. Karl ain't goin' out like that (an aide shouts "HE AIN'T GOIN' OUT!" from the side of the stage).

Q And then you'll go to the mat, you'll take this to court --

THE PRESIDENT: Absolutely. I haven't been packing those musty old antechambers with Federalist Society loonies for nothin'. It's payback time.

Q Sir, in at least a few instances, the attorneys that were dismissed were actively investigating Republicans -- in San Diego, in Arizona, in Nevada. By removing them, wouldn't that have possibly impeded or stopped those investigations? And, sir, if I may also ask about the Attorney General. He does not have support among many Republicans and Democrats. Can he still be effective?

THE PRESIDENT: Yes, so long as he remembers that he works for me and nobody else.

Q In San Diego, Nevada, Arizona, Republicans were the targets of investigations, and those U.S. attorneys were removed. Does that not give the appearance --

THE PRESIDENT: Oh, stop with that already! I don't know nothin' 'bout 'ppearances. The assload of apostrophes I just used should convince you of my folksiness and plainspokenosity. These U.S. attorneys serve at the pleasure of the President. I named them all. And now I'm not pleased. Can you blame me?

And I repeat, we would like people to hear the truth. But not really. Listen, thank you all for your interest, not that it's any of your business (waits impatiently for people to leave). RELEASE THE HOUNDS!

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