Condoleezza Rice

(Oprah Winfrey, Hillary and Bill Clinton sip margaritas as they enjoy the sunshine aboard a yacht on Lake Michigan. Oprah’s best friend Gail flips burgers on a George Foreman grill. They all wear white linen.)

Oprah: So what you are saying is that George W. Bush is now a sympathetic genius? This is unbelievable. (Turns to the grill) Gail! Bring the burgers, bitch.

(Gail sighs heavily, loading the burgers onto a platter that she slams down on a table in front of them. She sneaks below deck to call Steadman)

Bill: Papa Bush told me that Bush wants to have a meeting to revise his Middle East policy. But it is not his usual meeting. It is some kind of camping and communing with nature retreat held on the grounds of Camp David. Senator Clinton here already got an invite. I mean, can you see Hillary pitchin’ a tent? (Laughs as Hillary sips her margarita, then turns and slaps him. Burger flies out of his mouth.)

Hillary: I am concerned that if we don’t get him to agree to some of our policies while he is in this state, they’ll figure out how to revert him to his normal state before we have a chance to get what we want. Everyone knows they have a serum. It’s just a matter of time until they come up with a solution to his new found intelligence.

(Donald Rumsfeld and Dick Cheney are having drinks in a top secret strip club located in the very bowels of---you guessed it!---the Pentagon. The ghost of Aaron Burr is sitting next to Cheney. Rumsfeld is on his third whiskey and Dick is sipping a Diet Sprite. Nine Inch Nail's Closer is playing, just as it has played in every strip club across this great nation since its release.)

GAB: (to himself) These wenches are fascinating! (Snaps his finger like a debonair...well, ghost.)

Dick: Don, I don't know what to tell you. Last night he was working algorithms and then he finished a whole week's worth of New York Times crosswords. He no longer does that sound it out thing when he reads. He even understood the Daily Show. He’ll want to start calling the shots soon, Don.

Don: Yeah, I know that you fucking moron. (Finishes drink, slamming down glass. He smacks a waitress's ass) I need another drink, honey. (He watches her ass as she walks away, then addresses Dick.) Listen here, you fat louse: You fucked this up like you fucked up your first job interview with me.

(So read Episode 1 before you read this one. Duh! Do I have to tell you everything?!?)

(Mid-afternoon under a gloomy DC sky. Dick Cheney sits on a swing on the grounds of Number One Observatory, sipping a can of Diet Sprite. )
Dick (sings): "You say you found a piece of land/ Gonna change from city boy to country man/Try to build your life with your hands/You got to keep on smilin’, keep on smilin’/Keep on smilin’ through the rain, laughin’ at the pain/Rollin with the changes/ til the sun comes out again… (Dick sips soda) I like Wet Willie. (sips) What do you have, Stan?

Stan: Sir, Rice a Roni is no San Francisco treat. She rejected the advances of the First Lady, whom--- may I add--- is a slut with bad taste in lingerie.

(Dick reaches down and pulls a globe shaped pillow from underneath his butt.) Wouldn't think so, but sitting on top of the world irritates my hemorrhoids. (He spins the globe on his right index finger while continuing to sip his Diet Sprite. Yes, I know it's a fucking pillow, but it is round. Play along.)

(The Oval Office. Enter George Bush, The President of the United States of America, carrying a Jack-in the-Box with his picture on the side of it. He sits at his desk and the box pops open, revealing the figure of Jesus.)

George (singing, bobbing head, smiling ): Jesus loves me, yes I know/ for Joel Osteen told me so/Big Business is on my side/So I should just enjoy the ride...(sighs, looking up) God, Jesus is great. (looks at computer, reaching his hand out to rub it). But I wanna go online and Google Jenna Jameson. Maybe I shouldn't, though. I guess that's what I get for monitoring Google. Now I can't search for bush.

(Enter Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, carrying a model of an oil tanker with "Altair Voyager" printed on its side, which has been partially hacked away and painted over with her name in big red, white and blue letters. A toy missile has been duct taped to its deck. She sweeps her arm across his desk knocking George's Jesus-in- the-Box to the floor and places her oil tanker in its place.)