NEWSFLASH: Baby boys, not born sexist

So boys get this stuff. They begin to be trained--early.

I mean it starts at birth! Or whenever someone says, "It's a boy". Could be in utero, depending on the stage of pregnancy--the developing young one can begin to hear what is going on.

The tone of voice. The loaded words dripping, "It's a boy" ... all the implications--get in there--The young one hears it. Begins to understand there is something crucial being expected of him.

And it would be ridiculous if it weren't so fucking tragic.

We isolate the shit out of our males. Cut off their humanity as mothers, as women we do this--Then we turn around and say men are assholes.

Hello! Women--whether self-identified as feminist or not--create and at the very least perpetuate sexism. Similar to how we, as moms can prevent racist conditioning, we can prevent the oppressive sexist patterns from being installed on our young boys' minds. We have incredible power here.

Yes, I know. We've been hurt by sexism. White men in particular. And we have to heal from it in order to see our way, in order to be powerful enough to stop it. The way we've been hurt makes it difficult to think clearly about boys ...

So, we have to heal inside from the hurts of sexism and we can do this by listening to each other, staying close and also learning to think critically about each other. That way as we listen we are also thinking. I've written more about this process elsewhere and so have others like Patty Wipfler of Hand in Hand.

So we have to heal INSIDE from what men are doing/have done to us.

We also have to heal the fucking problem.

Look, guys didn't start oppressing women because they had such a big life with plenty of support as young boys ... (Hmm, maybe if I cut off part of his penis he won't feel a thing.)

We also have to heal our own perpetuating behavior. Not so much to "help" the adult men who are already chronically confused and so locked-in to their oppressor role.

But to stop training our baby boys to go be just like that!

No boy, no human is born wanting to humiliate anyone. Sexism is not men's "nature".

How do we, as feminist women, perpetuate sexism in our own environment?

We do! So let's start looking at how we do.

And it is insidious and it is vicious and it is saturated in our society and even within the feminist culture itself.

Our beliefs about men have been twisted to where we actually lay this shit on our little boys.

Here's a small and incomplete example but one which infuriates me with the simplicity of the oppression of baby boys and how it sets them up to turn around and act it out later.

I was coaching a teenage gal a few years ago who chose to have this baby. It was a boy. At the hospital within minutes of being born, a (female) nurse jokingly said to him (one of the first things he heard after being born) "You're a little troublemaker."

I was absolutely furious! I didn't want a fist fight to be in his first few moments on top of that so I lightly said, "No he's not!" and smiled at him.

WTF.

This is huge and look around it goes on and on. Boys don't cry. Boys can't be mama's boys. Boys need to dress like boys. Boys can't be lovey with other boys. Boys need to be good soldiers. Boys this boys that. WTF. Come on.

We get to be tender with our boys. We get to be delighted when they need to cry and hold them as much as possible for-effing-ever! There is no age when it becomes "unmanly" to be close to us as moms and allies. That's just for starters.

I'm still trying to sort out what I think our role as women is in supporting grown men in healing from their oppressor patterns. When we leave them there and designate them as assholes, we do the same thing that has been done to them since birth. It's tricky because we already have been saddled with the caretaker role, the "soothing" women who just perpetuate sexism from that end. That's not what I mean. We need to have gatherings where we listen to each other think and release the rage while discussing how we as women can interrupt sexism without abandoning men to further isolation and confusion.

For now, let's spend some quality time with our good baby boys out there--and inject a little reality-speak to the moms around us who are bringing up baby boys. They are good. They are NOT little soldiers.

Sea Ganschow is a Parenting by Connection facilitator and director of Listening For Change in Portland, Oregon, USA. Crossposted at Carnival of Feminists XVIII and Listening For Change.

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