A Christmas Suicide, Or Thoughts Of

told several of you how excited I was about my new apartment.

Last night I finished moving in at 7. I moved everything all by myself and it was hard work but well worth the effort. I figured this place would be my last share until I finished my book, which is due at the publisher's on June 15th. Hopefully by then I will be able to rent my own place. I have to do things this way because of a combination of reasons; poor financial decisions in my twenties and a lack of money as a result being major among them.

This morning, the woman who lives here hands me her cell phone and tells me Tony is on the phone. She doesn't speak English so I thought perhaps he was just going to relay a message for her. Now Tony is the agent who my roommate service went through to obtain this place. Margaret at the roommate service told me he is a total drunk but only deals in the best places, so she uses him frequently. and after the rat infested dump I just fled, that sounded fine by me.

I said, "Hello?"

He said, "Tara, her family is coming. You have to leave."

I said, "You mean for the night?" Tis the season and all.

He said, "No. Forever."

I guess between eight o'clock last night and soometime today, her fucking Florida family fucks decided to move up here and now I have to leave. Tony said not to worry. She is giving me my money back and I should just come down to his office and he can find me a room and we can have sex.

Yep.

But I thought he was slurring his words because of what the woman told me about his drinking. So when he offered to pay for my cab fared downtown so he could explain to me what was goin on and what he could do for me, I hopped right in a car service wearing a pajama top, sweats, sneakers, jacket, and a furry hat.

When I arrived at his building, he came down and paid for the cab as promised. I got out and asked what the fuck was going on. He remained quiet but smiled. We rode the elevator to the 15th floor in silence and when we got off he looked back at me and smiled this very boyish grin. He looked like a slimy elf.

Iniside, the smell of sour man filled my nostrils. A statue of the Virgin stood on a coffee table surrounded by piles of trash. Some office. I know a lot of people work out of their homes and since he rents shares, he really only needs a phone and a fax. It's very NYC; we've all seen it or done it. But this place reeked. He turned up the volume on the TV and motioned for me to keep it down.

"What the fuck is going on? I don't have any more money."

He said, "It ok, Sweetie. She gonna give you your money back. It ok. I find you another room. Her family come." He spoke a little more, trying to reassure me and calm me down...and then he leaned in, touched my cheek and kissed me on the neck, going for my mouth!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

I kid you not the fuck not I am not fucking kidding not.

I pushed him off and said, "Don't you ever touch me again or I will fucking toss you out that window." He looked across the room at the open window and laughed. This made me so mad, so I decided to slap him, which I did with a balled up fist. He was little too quick for me, so I only partially caught the side of his face..

He screamed in pain, "Oh my God I am so sorry!"

I spoke iin a really low gutteral tone. I asked what the fuck would make him think that I want to kiss him. He pleaded with me to come out in the hall. Once there I explained to him through clenched jaw that he was lucky that I didn't kill him and that he needed to understand that I am the kind of person that would hurt him. There was no yelling. I just made him cower. I don't understand why he thought...he could touch me and what that would do to help me or what he thought or if he thought. Period.

So now I am back at my place. Tony swears he is looking for a new room for me. I am going to see Margaret Oh, and I am going to the cops. I am going to ask one of them to come back to the apartment with me because this woman I am living with seems to think I can just pack up and leave tonite. I am scared she is going to move my stuff into the hallway and I need someone to explain to her that I will leave when I can and until then, she should keep her hands off of my shit.

I don't know how my radar could have been so off on this. My instincts are usually dead-on. I feel sick and I hate everything again.

******************

Update: I got a Spanish speaking cop to talk to the lady I rent from so I could get a better sense of what is happening, as Tony is a nightmare and can't explain anything to me. So she has agreed to let me stay until I find a place. It looks like I will be looking at shares on Christmas.

And I almost feel like I have to go through Tony or I won't get my money back from the room. I told the cops what happened with him but there is not a lot they can do about it, which I already knew. You can't arrest someone for an inappropriate tactless sexual advance. So I am going to make this guy's life a living hell for the next 24 hours and once I am set up in my new place, I just might go back to his "office" and slap the shit outta him again. But I know he needs me to go through him despite me hitting him, because he really needs my fee.

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