As the Patriot Acts: Episode 8

(George Bush sits with his daughters in a locked room. He holds his head in anguish as they blabber on and on.)

Barbra: Daddy! Can we get some tequila in here? What good is this place if I can’t at least barf up some worm in a corner?

George: This is unbearable…now that I am a genius, I can’t believe I raised you double dunces. Good God, I hope the world will overlook your lack of conversational skills.

Jenna: Daddy, can we have an orphan from Africa? One without AIDS?

(Enter Condoleezza with Acting Surgeon General Kenneth P. Moritsugu. The fact that I told you he is just the acting surgeon general is to make you look smarter at cocktail parties. Come on---did you really already know that?!? Because I sure as hell didn’t.)

Condoleezza: Sir, we will be taking some blood from both of the twins and we will inject it into you in hopes of you regaining your full idiot status. We cannot really take anything from their brains because if we do, they may no longer be able to talk and walk at the same time, which as you know, took years for them to master. However, there is probably enough alcohol in their blood stream that you will quickly be reverted back to your normal state of stupidity. Once this happens, we have to prepare you for the double cloning of your stupid self. One will be frozen in a capsule in case something like this ever happens again. The other will be used to provide some skin grafts for your father so he can recover more quickly from his gunshot wound. Once we get you back to your normal state, we do not want to mess with your system again by taking anything from it. (Author’s note: Damn this is soap opera is getting complicated.)

Jenna: (suddenly jumps up) And I want a panda, too!

Barbara: Yeah! Put the panda and the orphan on the same plane from Africa!

George (looks at the Twins in fear and speaks to Moritsugu): Are you sure this is the only way?

Moritsugu: I am sure, but you don’t really need my approval. Think of me as a space filler. If this production had any kind of budget at all, I’d be billed as a special guest, one of those obscure stars from yesteryear that used to appear on The Love Boat because no one else would hire them and who you think you should recognize but don’t.

Condoleezza: Time is of the essence. (to the Twins) The two of you need to remove your shirts.

Barbara and Jenna: You are always telling us that!

(Condoleezza motions for them to sit down as the Surgeon General sets up needles for the transfusion. Um, yeah. That sounds right.)

*****

(Bill Clinton sits by the hospital bed of Papa Bush.)

Bill: Would you like me to get a nurse to give you a sponge bath? Maybe we can get some two for one kinda deal.

Papa Bush: No...no...I just want my little Bar. I miss her at times like this. I don’t want to be sexy with her EVER EVER EVER AGAIN GOD look what that got us. But cuddling is nice. Just a wee cuddle.
Bill: Yeah, I’d do your wife...uh, I mean, sure. I understand that cuddling thing. I did it once in 1976. But I didn’t inhale.

(Enter Condoleezza)

Condoleezza: Papa Bush, we are going to be implanting some of George’s dumb clone skin to yours to help you recover.

Papa Bush (sitting straight up): Can’t you take it from him while he’s smart? I don’t want my IQ to be impaired.

Condoleezza: Sir, it is just skin. While we do not want to mess with George once we get him repaired, we do not believe grafting his clone’s skin onto you will cause your IQ to diminish. George is in good shape physically and it could not only help you heal quicker, but also rejuvenate you in ways that we want to monitor. We are thinking of starting a cloning system for Republicans in case something goes wrong, like the last election. And technically, we cannot allow the real President to be operated on unless it is going to make us more money in some way.

Papa Bush: We can’t get the skin from Jeb?

Condoleezza: He has got seven executions and a hurricane scheduled this week.

Papa Bush: What about Neil?

Condoleezza: We decided he is dumber than George.

Papa Bush: It’s a close call.

Condoleezza: Sir, I will leave you to think this oover. But by participating in this cloning program, we may have chance to get an upper hand on the progressives that threaten to take over this country with peace, love and understanding. I hope you will take that into consideration.
(To Clinton) No offense.

Clinton: None taken. I’m not a progressive, anyway.

(Condoleezza exits)

Papa Bush: This cloning thing makes me feel bad…like a hypocrite.

Clinton: None sense! Got to save your own ass. Besides, you can always say Bill Frist opened your eyes.

(A cameo of Michael J. Fox on a skateboard from 1985 appears hovering in the corner of the room, flipping them off. Sorry, but I couldn’t resist combining my love of time travel with my love of cloning.)

Clinton: Well, I’m gonna check on that sponge bath situation. No use in letting these nurses go to waste.

*****

(In heaven, James Brown is showing President Ford how to shake his money maker. A huge clanging stops them.)

Gerry: What’s that?

James: The hangman’s noose. But they got someone on deck anyway. Get rid of one, he’s replaced by another. And now the author would like for me introduce next week’s sponsor---ha!(spins; of course this episode would fade out to Living in America if I could afford it).

The End

Next Episode: Not sure!
Stay tuned!

James Brown and President Ford image created by Daniel Lesser, for whom I will provide contact info once he gives it to me!

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